how to: twitter

If you say you hate Twitter, you’re not doing it right. If you don’t see the point, think it’s just a forum you can complain on, or you misguidedly think that Facebook is better, then you need an intervention. 

Here it is: 11 tips for increasing your Twitter satisfaction. 

1. Unblock your account. 

Unless what you’re tweeting is confidential legal documents regarding Planet X, why is your Twitter account blocked? If what you’re tweeting is literary genius or just downright hilarious, WHY DO YOU WANT TO HIDE THIS FROM THE WORLD? Tell me, in shallow terms, what is more annoying than not being able to retweet something that could otherwise be nominated for best tweet of the year? Split ends and the amount of calories in donuts. That’s it. Nothing else is more annoying. I think you’ll also find that being retweeted is the technological equivalent of a pain-free high five. 

2. Please stop #hashtagging midsentence. 

There’s two things more annoying than excessive Twitter hashtags: A. Hashtags on Facebook and B. 37 general hashtags (think “#girl,” “#Wednesday,” “#yellow,”) as the caption for one Instagram photo. The expression “A picture’s worth a thousand words” is true, as in, the picture speaks for itself, so you don’t have to. (Aside: if you’re hashtagging everything in the hopes of gaining strangers as followers, then we have bigger problems than your improper use of the pound symbol.) Save the hashtags for sarcastic remarks at the end. They should make people laugh, not cry with confusion as they attempt to understand it.

3. U R Educ8ed, St0p typin lyke u rnt.

You know in first grade when you learn about sentence structure? Or second grade when you learn all about punctuation? Twitter is so not the place to abandon these rules. In fact, there is never a right time 4 U 2 write lyke this. If you’re trying to save character space by using numbers, delete the tweet and go back to Facebook. 

4. Limit one thought to 140 characters. 

Tweets are really useful in helping to make your writing more concise. However, if you choose to write continuation tweets (the ones filled with ellipses taking up an entire newsfeed discussing one subject), then you’re only hurting yourself.

On the topic of continuation tweets. They’re only maybe acceptable if you’re tweeting some 140+ character quote your followers will not be able to make it through the day without. Subtweets, however, are not allowed to continue on. If you must subtweet (and really, must you?) limit that to 140 characters and go away.

5. Must you subtweet? No.

6. Don’t be afraid to apologize via Twitter.

Absolutely do not tweet: “I’m sorry I stabbed you in the back. Literally. With a fork.” Save those apologies for the Lifetime movies. If you tweet a typo, forget a period or maybe go through a phase where all your tweets are in capital letters, just say sorry. The world needs more apologies, anyway.

Side note: the apology rule does not apply to subtweets. Saying, “Sorry, but I have to subtweet” is the equivalent of saying “No offense but…” The nice start doesn’t negate the annoying end.

7. Unfollow those who annoy you. 

8. Remember the Rihanna rule. 

RiRi once said, “If you make a mistake once, It’s not the end of the world. Just don’t make the same mistake twice.”* Apply this rule to subtweets, grammar mistakes, offensive tweets, confusion of your homophones, excessive retweeting, etc. 

9. Don’t forget the boys playing baseball.

You know Twitter’s homepage and how it reminds you that you’re staying connected to the world? Your tweets are doing nothing to help those boys playing with their homemade bats. So, do not confuse Twitter as means for changing the world. 

10. Limit the seriousness.

Before you post a tweet, remember one thing: Justin Bieber has more Twitter followers than the President of the United States. If you’re looking for serious responses and concerned messages, maybe use a different social media outlet or use your phone a friend option. 

11. Lastly, follow @WheatThins (And maybe also me @sampsonbee).  

*Just because she’s dated Chris Brown multiple times doesn’t invalidate the truth behind this rule.

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